My Journey Into The Abyss (Part 2)
Unfortunately for me my room didn’t offer me the salvation that I was seeking, at least not at first. I sat there and pondered for a moment but came up with nothing but the status quo. So, like a good young man I went to school and did my school work, I went to work and worked hard. I decided I’ll be as perfect as possible. So that’s what I did for the next several years. I would consciously be as prim and proper as possible in every avenue of my life. I had to be the smartest, the funniest, the kindest and above all I had to be the best.
One day I had a rendezvous with a random woman of which I didn’t even know her name. But she wanted to smoke some green. At this point in my life green was only a means to an end, I never smoked alone and I never smoked with my “friends”. If I wasn’t getting any action from it then I wasn’t doing it. So, I did what I normally would do. I obliged her request knowing that it would be worth my while and got the green. On the fateful night, she flopped. Leaving me home alone with green that I don’t want, and above all extremely horny. It was not a pleasant moment for me. But such things happen where every man must take a loss once and a while. I deleted her number and stared at the bag that I had laid in front of me. What the heck? Why not? I mean what’s the worst that can happen? I rolled one up, sparked it, and inhaled. I sat there and began to ponder my life. I looked around at what I had and I thought about the people in my life. One word popped into my head, the word “use”.
Now the revelation that comes next may be obvious to you as the reader but to me it was absolutely the most mind-blowing thought I have ever had. “use?” I said to myself. Me being the nerd that I am I had to find the pure definition of use. I started to read. Now the first definition speaks in regards of using something to accomplish a purpose or achieve a result. That was fine for me. I mean nothing interesting there. The second definition speaks in regards of a state of affairs that existed for a period in the past. That was simple enough. But the third was what hit me in the gonads. It was a low blow to the essence that was my soul. “The action of using something or the state of being used for some purpose.” I thought to myself, what an interesting definition.
My mind then began to apply it to my life. I looked at my recent failed relationship. The one that had lasted three years on and off due to infidelity. She would always call me her rock and would lean on me in her hard times but when things were good she would disappear. Yes, seems to apply there. I was being used for that one purpose. My feet started to tingle as they became warm. I then applied it to my friendship with my “mentor” who constantly asks me for favors of which I always say yes. Because that’s what a perfect friend does. Yes, seems to apply there as well. I was being used for that purpose. The warmth started to flow upwards towards my stomach.
I started to apply it to work where I would manage two areas at the same time which was twice my paid workload. The warmth came up to my neck. Then I had one final realization. I looked in the mirror and I said to myself “But wait…I’m everybody’s bitch.” This final realization sent my mind into a deep spiral where in an instant I went over every single time I’ve ever been used in my life. It got to the point where I became so enraged that I blacked out.
I woke up in the hospital restrained to a gurney. The first thing that came to my mind was that “I’m hungry”. As I was being pushed along the hallway I saw another patient standing there eating crackers. She looked at me and smiled, then offered me some crackers. I couldn’t speak because my mouth was too dry but I nodded. She laughed and said, “Crackers aren’t for you!” then walked away. When they finally took off the restraints I noticed my wrists were chaffed from all the struggling I must have been doing. Instantly I could assess the situation. I was in the mental ward with all the crazies and I had a mental break. But for some reason I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t angry anymore. In fact, there was a deep sense of knowing. Knowing that everything would be alright.
The doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder. Which to me was the dumbest thing I had ever heard. “I’m not crazy. I’m a man of above average intelligence who is successful in both his work life and personal life. How can I be crazy?” Was all that came to my mind. I tried to explain away the situation with different logic and convince the doctor that I wasn’t bipolar. In any case he said I’d have to stay for a couple days for evaluation.
The interesting thing about being in the psych ward is that it’s filled with a melting pot of people. People from all avenues of life. I met a Triad member, a banker, and a musician to name a few. These people all had relatively normal lives until they were hit with this illness. But I wasn’t like them I told myself. In my mind, I knew there had to be a reason for all of this. There is no way that my story could end with me withering away into nothingness. That’s when “the universe” started to happen.
Now this part is where I know I will lose the attention of some people. Some will say ok this guy is crazy I’m out and that is fine. Even though I was on medication I was still being flooded with racing thoughts. But these thoughts were not the everyday run of the mill work, school, and relationship. I started to think about the great questions of the universe. I started to ponder how energy and consciousness are linked, how the brain is more than just a computer but it also acts as a transmitter receiving frequency and vibration in the form of thought, etc. Now this is where you’re probably saying ok, this guy is one of those new age guys. I’m out. If that’s how you feel that is fine too.
I continued to get numerous thoughts and revelations. It was as if a deep inner knowing had been gifted to me and my brain had to reboot to handle it. I was being flooded with information and it felt amazing. To this day it was the most exhilarating feeling I have ever felt. There is numerous documentation on a manic episode but very little on what goes on in the mind of someone during a manic episode. It was as if my body would move on its own while my mind received the information. I was simply a witness to it all. But above all it felt as if I was connected to something greater than myself. Keep in mind I was under medication at the time.
I don’t remember when the information started to slow down but it did. For a period, I was sad about it. Once again there is numerous amount of information on the depression associated with bipolar mania but not what actually goes on in the mind of the patient. I mean having felt connected to something greater than yourself. Something greater than man is quite a big shoe to fill. But by the grace of the gods it happened. Throughout my journey I have experienced and witnessed things that have made me believe in a higher power unequivocally.
It started with something as simple as receiving information about something then looking it up online to find out that it is a well-known fact. This would happen for months at a time. One night I was in the bathroom stall at a banquet when the person in the stall next to mine started to make strange sounds as if he was beat boxing. I promptly finished my business and went to wash my hands. He started to bang on the walls of the stall and began screeching in a high pitch tone. Now I wasn’t going to be a pussy and rush out of the bathroom without washing my hands. But I knew I didn’t want to be alone. For the first time in my life I prayed.
As I looked in the mirror. I said “Lord…please don’t leave me alone with this…” and I kid you not that bathroom door opened and five people came in. It looked fake, as if it was a scene out of a badly shot movie. I was in awe that my prayer had been answered. Every ounce of doubt that I had washed away.
My entire outlook on life changed. I realized that life is all about perspective and slowly my perspective changed to a more positive one. I had to relearn how to feel genuine emotions. I had to learn how to deal with my issues, not cast them aside and ignore them. I learned to set boundaries for myself and those that I let in my circle. I realized that I had been using women as an outlet for my inner demons and that had to stop. But above all I learned to believe in something greater than myself. I understood how someone could have faith in something that they “can’t see”.
What’s my life purpose you ask? I believe I know what it is but I won’t know for sure until the time comes. If you want to find out subscribe and join me on this journey of mine. I hope you enjoyed reading. If you made it this far I’d like to leave you with a quote from one of the characters from my novel.
“Those who bathe in shadows are destined to drown in them”
– Din Tei Bourbon