The Secrets of My Life

We all have dark secrets…sink your teeth into my own.

This is by far the most challenging post I’ve ever had to write. I know it will probably come across as callous, controversial, or even plain crazy. But this is something that must be done. How can I expect to help anyone create their own paradise when I don’t do the things necessary to maintain my own? If I don’t face my demons how can I grow? One thing that I believe to be necessary at this point in my life is full disclosure. In this post we will take a gander at five of my deepest darkest secrets. Truth be told I have plenty of secrets, as I’m the type of person who rarely reveals what I’m really thinking.

1.       My Condition – My condition has been gaining a lot of traction in the media lately, however there is still a stigma associated. One of the biggest reasons is due to how little is known about what causes it, and the unpredictable nature of people diagnosed. Last year I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar. Now this will come as a shock to anyone that has spent any amount of time with me. I come across as cool, calm, collected, and very rational. In fact, I’m usually the last person you would expect to react to anything emotionally, whether it is positive or negative. Some such as my mother will say this is due to the medication but what most don’t know about the meds is that they only suffocate some of the symptoms. It’s literally a shotgun of chemicals used to stem the bleeding. This brings me to my next point.

 

2.       My Mask – In society we all put on some type of mask that will allow us to integrate into the group and associate with each other. We have different versions of ourselves that we show to different people. This is an important part of life which allows society to function. The way we act around our friends is naturally going to be different than the way we act around our family. The difference between my mask and the mask of other’s is that I have a mask of sanity. I consciously make sure to have a rational explanation for anything and everything that I do and say. The funny thing that I have found is that virtually anything deemed crazy can be explained with genius logic. What do I mean by genius logic? Genius logic is something that the average person will deem as crazy. But someone with a creative mind can use said action to benefit them greatly, thus giving them a large advantage. An example of this is having a conversation with yourself. The average person views this as something irrational. However, it has been proven time and time again to improve mood, thought processing, and chances of success. Having deep and meaningful conversations with yourself allows you to find out who you are, what you believe, and where you want to be. In simple terms, Insanity and genius are two sides of the same coin. Being diagnosed as “crazy” has allowed me to explore the vast wealth of creativity and has catapulted my life forward.

 

3.       Heartless – This is something that I have struggled with during my adolescence. When I was a child I had the biggest heart, and felt profound love. Over time I have become very cold, calculating, and sometimes manipulative. I see what I want and I am willing to do anything necessary to achieve it. Now it’s not to say that I can’t create meaningful relationships or feel love. It is that these experiences are so few and far between that at one point I was convinced I was a psychopath. The word love has little meaning to me and doesn’t carry much weight, except when I refer to myself, my sister or mother. I believe it is overused while few demonstrate it. The odd thing about me is that I am well capable of deep expressions of love and will do almost anything for someone that I care about, but once again it is rare for me to find someone that I care about. It is easier for me to say that I care about people in opposed to saying that I love them. I am realistic in the belief that I will most likely commit to someone that I care about and not one that I love. Does this make me a bad person? I’m not sure.

 

4.       Legacy –  To me my legacy is more important than my life. I want to achieve more than I want to breathe. Let’s make one thing clear. When I say legacy, I don’t mean something small/minuscule as being liked by my peers, or doing well in school. I am talking about achieving something that someone has never done before. I am talking about making a mark on the world that will never be erased. Before all is said and done I want to be a legend, an icon, and a symbol that anything can be achieved. Currently, I sleep six hours a day, eat twice a day (intermittent fasting), cut off all music, movies, and T.V shows, meditate for an hour each day, took a four-year vow of celibacy, and only listen to inspirational videos from famous entrepreneurs. The determination and drive is there as well as the work ethic. I just know I need to be patient.

 

5.       Death – As crazy as this sounds, I look forward to death. No, I’m not suicidal and no I am not in a rush to die. I simply look forward to finding out if my spiritual beliefs are true. Note I say spiritual and not religious. I am fascinated with the concept of death. Just the entire mystery behind it. It is one of the few things that every living thing on this planet has in common and no one knows for sure what it truly means. Do we have ideas, beliefs, and guesses? Of course. But at the end of the day no one knows for sure. Another aspect of death that intrigues me is the reincarnation aspect. The concept of a phoenix rising from the ashes is something that is ingrained in our DNA. Without death there could be no life. Once again there is that concept of duality. Death and life like to play together, so how can I love one and not the other?

 

If you have made it this far I tip my hat off to you. I hope this post was easier to read than it was to write. I wrote this so I can put things in perspective. We all have our demons, challenges, and we all have a dark side. The truth of the matter is that we have a choice of whether we let those things define us. But above all we have our secrets that we feel no one will accept. The only person that needs to accept these things is yourself. Facing the one in the mirror is a giant leap towards creating your own paradise. I hope my “coming out” has motivated you to address a few of your own secrets and view them in a different light. Best of luck on your journey! 

 

“We’re all guilty of wearing a mask to show we are normal. Some of us are just willing to break that mask.” – Negus Lamont

5 Reasons You Should Talk To Yourself

Think talking to yourself is only for the crazies? Think again.

Just by reading the title you’re probably already thinking to yourself crazy alert! But that was the whole point. You were thinking to yourself. What is really the difference between thinking to yourself and talking to yourself? The biggest difference is that one is thought to be completely normal while the other is thought to be for the crazies like myself. I’m here to discuss five scientific reasons why you should talk to yourself out loud.

  1. Calm Down – Yes you read that correctly, I told you to calm down. When we’re angry we tend to do and say things that we would normally keep to ourselves. It is easy to make big mistakes while we’re upset. Why not take a breather and talk yourself out of the big mistake? Talking out loud will allow you to voice your perspective and analyze what it is that has you so hot and bothered. Additionally, it gives you time to cool down and act when you are in a more balanced state.
  2. Inner Debate – To expand on the last point, talking out loud will allow one to have an inner debate with themselves. This process of blessing your ears with your own thoughts allows one to debate both the pros and cons of a situation. Allowing you to see both sides of the story. Often in most cases a problem is simply two different sides of the same coin. With an audible approach to thinking you can gain much needed clarity and come up with solutions that you wouldn’t normally come up with.
  3. Self-Motivation – This one is a BIG reason to get up and start having a conversation with yourself. Studies show that those who voice their thoughts for motivation purposes have an increased success rate in achieving those goals, additionally they feel happier and more accomplished when doing so. Who will be your biggest cheerleader if not you? Besides who else can you rely on to tell you exactly what you need to hear if not yourself?
  4. Practice Makes Perfect – Do you have a big date coming up? Or maybe you have a huge performance and are getting the jitters? Perhaps there is a difficult conversation that you want to have with a friend, family, or spouse. Well the solution is to practice what you want to say beforehand. But the key as you probably guessed it is to say these things out loud. This allows you to be prepared for when that big moment comes up. There is no way around it, practice makes perfect and a monologue is the best way to achieve said perfection.
  5. Subdue Your Subconscious – Another big reason to join in on a monologue is that you can release your subconscious from its shackles. Suppressed emotions and thoughts are unhealthy and can cause various health issues such as anxiety and stress. By having conversations with the self, you bring these things to the light so you can deal with them. Unfortunately, keeping things bottled up isn’t the best solution. This solo time is the perfect time to deal with your darkest demons, the ones that you can’t share with anyone else. If you’re unable trust yourself with these things then who can you trust?

It is time to start taking care of your mental health which is something that very few people know how to do. This can be the first step in the journey that is your mental health, please do not take it lightly. If you found anything in this post useful please subscribe, like, or share. I look forward to providing you with more useful posts in the future!

My Journey Into The Abyss (Part 2)

If you’re still holding my hand at this point blessings to you. Here is part 2!

Mr. Perfect

Unfortunately for me my room didn’t offer me the salvation that I was seeking, at least not at first. I sat there and pondered for a moment but came up with nothing but the status quo. So, like a good young man I went to school and did my school work, I went to work and worked hard. I decided I’ll be as perfect as possible. So that’s what I did for the next several years. I would consciously be as prim and proper as possible in every avenue of my life. I had to be the smartest, the funniest, the kindest and above all I had to be the best.

The Abyss

One day I had a rendezvous with a random woman of which I didn’t even know her name. But she wanted to smoke some green. At this point in my life green was only a means to an end, I never smoked alone and I never smoked with my “friends”. If I wasn’t getting any action from it then I wasn’t doing it. So, I did what I normally would do. I obliged her request knowing that it would be worth my while and got the green. On the fateful night, she flopped. Leaving me home alone with green that I don’t want, and above all extremely horny. It was not a pleasant moment for me. But such things happen where every man must take a loss once and a while. I deleted her number and stared at the bag that I had laid in front of me. What the heck? Why not? I mean what’s the worst that can happen? I rolled one up, sparked it, and inhaled. I sat there and began to ponder my life. I looked around at what I had and I thought about the people in my life. One word popped into my head, the word “use”.

Now the revelation that comes next may be obvious to you as the reader but to me it was absolutely the most mind-blowing thought I have ever had. “use?” I said to myself. Me being the nerd that I am I had to find the pure definition of use. I started to read. Now the first definition speaks in regards of using something to accomplish a purpose or achieve a result. That was fine for me. I mean nothing interesting there. The second definition speaks in regards of a state of affairs that existed for a period in the past. That was simple enough. But the third was what hit me in the gonads. It was a low blow to the essence that was my soul. “The action of using something or the state of being used for some purpose.” I thought to myself, what an interesting definition.

My mind then began to apply it to my life. I looked at my recent failed relationship. The one that had lasted three years on and off due to infidelity. She would always call me her rock and would lean on me in her hard times but when things were good she would disappear. Yes, seems to apply there. I was being used for that one purpose. My feet started to tingle as they became warm. I then applied it to my friendship with my “mentor” who constantly asks me for favors of which I always say yes. Because that’s what a perfect friend does. Yes, seems to apply there as well. I was being used for that purpose. The warmth started to flow upwards towards my stomach.

I started to apply it to work where I would manage two areas at the same time which was twice my paid workload. The warmth came up to my neck. Then I had one final realization. I looked in the mirror and I said to myself  “But wait…I’m everybody’s bitch.” This final realization sent my mind into a deep spiral where in an instant I went over every single time I’ve ever been used in my life. It got to the point where I became so enraged that I blacked out.

 

The Hospital

I woke up in the hospital restrained to a gurney. The first thing that came to my mind was that “I’m hungry”. As I was being pushed along the hallway I saw another patient standing there eating crackers. She looked at me and smiled, then offered me some crackers. I couldn’t speak because my mouth was too dry but I nodded. She laughed and said, “Crackers aren’t for you!” then walked away. When they finally took off the restraints I noticed my wrists were chaffed from all the struggling I must have been doing. Instantly I could assess the situation. I was in the mental ward with all the crazies and I had a mental break. But for some reason I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t angry anymore. In fact, there was a deep sense of knowing. Knowing that everything would be alright.

The doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder.  Which to me was the dumbest thing I had ever heard. “I’m not crazy. I’m a man of above average intelligence who is successful in both his work life and personal life. How can I be crazy?” Was all that came to my mind. I tried to explain away the situation with different logic and convince the doctor that I wasn’t bipolar. In any case he said I’d have to stay for a couple days for evaluation.

The interesting thing about being in the psych ward is that it’s filled with a melting pot of people. People from all avenues of life. I met a Triad member, a banker, and a musician to name a few. These people all had relatively normal lives until they were hit with this illness. But I wasn’t like them I told myself. In my mind, I knew there had to be a reason for all of this. There is no way that my story could end with me withering away into nothingness. That’s when “the universe” started to happen.

The Universe

Now this part is where I know I will lose the attention of some people. Some will say ok this guy is crazy I’m out and that is fine. Even though I was on medication I was still being flooded with racing thoughts. But these thoughts were not the everyday run of the mill work, school, and relationship. I started to think about the great questions of the universe. I started to ponder how energy and consciousness are linked, how the brain is more than just a computer but it also acts as a transmitter receiving frequency and vibration in the form of thought, etc. Now this is where you’re probably saying ok, this guy is one of those new age guys. I’m out. If that’s how you feel that is fine too.

I continued to get numerous thoughts and revelations. It was as if a deep inner knowing had been gifted to me and my brain had to reboot to handle it. I was being flooded with information and it felt amazing. To this day it was the most exhilarating feeling I have ever felt. There is numerous documentation on a manic episode but very little on what goes on in the mind of someone during a manic episode. It was as if my body would move on its own while my mind received the information. I was simply a witness to it all. But above all it felt as if I was connected to something greater than myself. Keep in mind I was under medication at the time.

Spirituality

I don’t remember when the information started to slow down but it did. For a period, I was sad about it. Once again there is numerous amount of information on the depression associated with bipolar mania but not what actually goes on in the mind of the patient. I mean having felt connected to something greater than yourself. Something greater than man is quite a big shoe to fill. But by the grace of the gods it happened. Throughout my journey I have experienced and witnessed things that have made me believe in a higher power unequivocally.

It started with something as simple as receiving information about something then looking it up online to find out that it is a well-known fact. This would happen for months at a time. One night I was in the bathroom stall at a banquet when the person in the stall next to mine started to make strange sounds as if he was beat boxing. I promptly finished my business and went to wash my hands. He started to bang on the walls of the stall and began screeching in a high pitch tone. Now I wasn’t going to be a pussy and rush out of the bathroom without washing my hands. But I knew I didn’t want to be alone. For the first time in my life I prayed.

As I looked in the mirror. I said “Lord…please don’t leave me alone with this…” and I kid you not that bathroom door opened and five people came in. It looked fake, as if it was a scene out of a badly shot movie. I was in awe that my prayer had been answered. Every ounce of doubt that I had washed away.

What Changed

My entire outlook on life changed. I realized that life is all about perspective and slowly my perspective changed to a more positive one. I had to relearn how to feel genuine emotions. I had to learn how to deal with my issues, not cast them aside and ignore them. I learned to set boundaries for myself and those that I let in my circle. I realized that I had been using women as an outlet for my inner demons and that had to stop. But above all I learned to believe in something greater than myself. I understood how someone could have faith in something that they “can’t see”.

What’s my life purpose you ask?  I believe I know what it is but I won’t know for sure until the time comes. If you want to find out subscribe and join me on this journey of mine. I hope you enjoyed reading. If you made it this far I’d like to leave you with a quote from one of the characters from my novel.

“Those who bathe in shadows are destined to drown in them”

–          Din Tei Bourbon

My Journey Into the Abyss (Part 1)

Take my hand as we journey into the depths of my soul.

How it Started

What is my life’s purpose? It’s a question that we have all asked ourselves at some point or another. I asked myself this question at the age of eleven. I sat in my room playing with my bucket of clay and would ponder this great question. I concluded that I didn’t want to continue to be poor. I wanted two things from my life’s purpose. I wanted it to pay me a shitload of money and I wanted it to come with status. I narrowed it down to a veterinarian because I loved animals and an actor because I loved to act and had minor roles in my mother’s plays. You can probably guess which one I chose. I abandoned thoughts of caring for poor sickly animals and decided that I would be the greatest actor to ever live. I started to practice. I would conduct monologues, write plays, and even act them out with my clay characters. My room was my theatre and I was the great Negus Lamont.

 

The Tribal System

Now I would love to tell you that everything was lilies and cherry blossoms for me when I hit high school. But that was when I got a serious reality check to the gut. I was the biggest nerd. I had been teased heavily in middle school, for having dreadlocks, being chunky, and wearing samurai shirts. But none of that compared to what I was to face in high-school. My first reality check came when I realized that literally all my close friends were the cool kids of my grade and they only kept me around because I would help them with their homework. But none of that mattered, they didn’t matter. I was going to be the greatest actor to ever live.

At home, I continued to practice my craft. One day after a rigorous amount of teasing by my “friends” I came home to read an article that discussed how the brain is a computer. I imagined how amazing that would be. That it would be better if I had no emotions and everything was simply a logical-mathematical calculation. I told myself that if I just pretended my entire life was a play and acted out every emotion my life would work out beautifully. So that’s what I did. It was challenging at first but eventually I had it down pact. I became numb to anything negative or positive. I became numb to the whole world. I was essentially a robot, except for when I was on stage.

Throughout high school I would act in the school plays but there is one production that jumps at me. I placed countless hours in practicing my lines and working on my delivery. I watched movies at a rapid pace in preparation for my big audition. I was ready. The play was A Midsummer Night’s Dream and I wanted the role of Oberon. Naturally I wanted to be king!  But it was not fated to be as was always the case. I was relegated to the role of the comic relief character Nick Bottom. There was a common pattern. That’s when it dawned on me that no matter how hard I tried or how many times I auditioned I could never get the role I wanted. My entire world revolved around me becoming the greatest actor and I couldn’t even land the part that I auditioned for. I was as big a joke as everyone made me out to be.

A Brush with Death

My world came crumbling down to the point where everything that I was became the nothingness which was the void in my heart. I did what to me was the most logical solution. I considered suicide. I sat down and thought about the pros and cons of committing suicide. At the time, I was an atheist so I laid it all out on the table logically as any good atheist ought to do. What I came up with was simple. If I kill myself at this juncture I will end up in a ditch and be rid of all my problems. But if I were to do such a thing my mother and sister would miss me. But there was one point that made it clear that I must carry on. I realized that if I were to kill myself there was no possibility of things getting better. As a young curious teen, I wanted to know if things would get better, and above all if they could get better.

Saving Grace

Being the smart guy in class had its benefits. Most of my teachers absolutely adored me. Especially my English teachers. Because of this I tried something new. I decided to use my theatre skills in different ways. One day my English teacher gave me an opportunity, I seized the moment and interrupted the lesson with a well-timed joke. To my amazement the entire class erupted into a fit of laughter including the teacher. It was one of the most memorable moments of my life to date. I became the smart funny guy and that was enough for me throughout the rest of high school. But in the back of my mind there was something missing.

 

Robot Negus

When I graduated high school with a scholarship to York University I told myself that I was going to be an entirely new character. I wanted more. I wanted something that had eluded me up to that point. I wanted self-confidence. I didn’t want to be fat anymore and above all I wanted to be loved by someone other than my family. Yes, I was a virgin even at the age of seventeen.  I told my “friends” that at the end of summer I’d have abs and they all laughed at me. That made me even more determined. Those two months of summer were crunch time for me. At the end of summer, I had lost forty pounds. I walked into University ripped, barely a pound of fat on me. With that new-found body, I gained a new-found personality. I became cocky, arrogant, and rude. And I loved every moment of it. But I had much to desire in the art of seduction. I needed a mentor. Magically I ended up hanging out with the older cool kids of University. It got to the point where beautiful women would gawk at me and before anyone could notice I had already gone over to approach them. I became a dangerous man. I became a robotic man. I became a man who knew exactly what to say to a woman to get what he wants. But once again, there was something missing.

Party Negus  

My mentor at the time was a promotor in downtown Toronto. He was known for having many beautiful women travel from all over the Greater Toronto Area to come to his parties. But above all he was popular. Something that I didn’t believe existed outside of school. I had to see it with my own eyes. I will never forget the day when the two of us sat at an afterhours restaurant at the biggest table they had surrounded by twelve beautiful women. I was enamored with the lifestyle. The partying, the drinking, the women. For the next couple of years, I lived the promoter life while balancing school and work. It wasn’t until year three that a few things started to click for me. Why am I spending money on these broke women? Why am I spending money on these clothes that I don’t need? Why am I spending money on these bottles I don’t want? The moment I started to question these things was the moment everything unraveled. I started to see things for what they really were. The party life became an escape from reality for these people. It became a way to live the celebrity lifestyle on a budget. My “mentor” called it. “ballin on a budget”, which at the time seemed like the coolest thing in the world to me. I started to analyze these other “promoters” who were also “ballin on a budget” and couldn’t afford gas money to get home some nights. I started to look at the women who would only flock around me because I had a bottle in my hand. The one time I decided to save my money was the one time I sat alone. Another punch to the gut for me. This time when my world came crumbling down and my character was about to vanish. I knew what to do. I ran back to the sanctuary that was my room.