This is by far the most challenging post I’ve ever had to write. I know it will probably come across as callous, controversial, or even plain crazy. But this is something that must be done. How can I expect to help anyone create their own paradise when I don’t do the things necessary to maintain my own? If I don’t face my demons how can I grow? One thing that I believe to be necessary at this point in my life is full disclosure. In this post we will take a gander at five of my deepest darkest secrets. Truth be told I have plenty of secrets, as I’m the type of person who rarely reveals what I’m really thinking.
1. My Condition – My condition has been gaining a lot of traction in the media lately, however there is still a stigma associated. One of the biggest reasons is due to how little is known about what causes it, and the unpredictable nature of people diagnosed. Last year I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar. Now this will come as a shock to anyone that has spent any amount of time with me. I come across as cool, calm, collected, and very rational. In fact, I’m usually the last person you would expect to react to anything emotionally, whether it is positive or negative. Some such as my mother will say this is due to the medication but what most don’t know about the meds is that they only suffocate some of the symptoms. It’s literally a shotgun of chemicals used to stem the bleeding. This brings me to my next point.
2. My Mask – In society we all put on some type of mask that will allow us to integrate into the group and associate with each other. We have different versions of ourselves that we show to different people. This is an important part of life which allows society to function. The way we act around our friends is naturally going to be different than the way we act around our family. The difference between my mask and the mask of other’s is that I have a mask of sanity. I consciously make sure to have a rational explanation for anything and everything that I do and say. The funny thing that I have found is that virtually anything deemed crazy can be explained with genius logic. What do I mean by genius logic? Genius logic is something that the average person will deem as crazy. But someone with a creative mind can use said action to benefit them greatly, thus giving them a large advantage. An example of this is having a conversation with yourself. The average person views this as something irrational. However, it has been proven time and time again to improve mood, thought processing, and chances of success. Having deep and meaningful conversations with yourself allows you to find out who you are, what you believe, and where you want to be. In simple terms, Insanity and genius are two sides of the same coin. Being diagnosed as “crazy” has allowed me to explore the vast wealth of creativity and has catapulted my life forward.
3. Heartless – This is something that I have struggled with during my adolescence. When I was a child I had the biggest heart, and felt profound love. Over time I have become very cold, calculating, and sometimes manipulative. I see what I want and I am willing to do anything necessary to achieve it. Now it’s not to say that I can’t create meaningful relationships or feel love. It is that these experiences are so few and far between that at one point I was convinced I was a psychopath. The word love has little meaning to me and doesn’t carry much weight, except when I refer to myself, my sister or mother. I believe it is overused while few demonstrate it. The odd thing about me is that I am well capable of deep expressions of love and will do almost anything for someone that I care about, but once again it is rare for me to find someone that I care about. It is easier for me to say that I care about people in opposed to saying that I love them. I am realistic in the belief that I will most likely commit to someone that I care about and not one that I love. Does this make me a bad person? I’m not sure.
4. Legacy – To me my legacy is more important than my life. I want to achieve more than I want to breathe. Let’s make one thing clear. When I say legacy, I don’t mean something small/minuscule as being liked by my peers, or doing well in school. I am talking about achieving something that someone has never done before. I am talking about making a mark on the world that will never be erased. Before all is said and done I want to be a legend, an icon, and a symbol that anything can be achieved. Currently, I sleep six hours a day, eat twice a day (intermittent fasting), cut off all music, movies, and T.V shows, meditate for an hour each day, took a four-year vow of celibacy, and only listen to inspirational videos from famous entrepreneurs. The determination and drive is there as well as the work ethic. I just know I need to be patient.
5. Death – As crazy as this sounds, I look forward to death. No, I’m not suicidal and no I am not in a rush to die. I simply look forward to finding out if my spiritual beliefs are true. Note I say spiritual and not religious. I am fascinated with the concept of death. Just the entire mystery behind it. It is one of the few things that every living thing on this planet has in common and no one knows for sure what it truly means. Do we have ideas, beliefs, and guesses? Of course. But at the end of the day no one knows for sure. Another aspect of death that intrigues me is the reincarnation aspect. The concept of a phoenix rising from the ashes is something that is ingrained in our DNA. Without death there could be no life. Once again there is that concept of duality. Death and life like to play together, so how can I love one and not the other?
If you have made it this far I tip my hat off to you. I hope this post was easier to read than it was to write. I wrote this so I can put things in perspective. We all have our demons, challenges, and we all have a dark side. The truth of the matter is that we have a choice of whether we let those things define us. But above all we have our secrets that we feel no one will accept. The only person that needs to accept these things is yourself. Facing the one in the mirror is a giant leap towards creating your own paradise. I hope my “coming out” has motivated you to address a few of your own secrets and view them in a different light. Best of luck on your journey!
“We’re all guilty of wearing a mask to show we are normal. Some of us are just willing to break that mask.” – Negus Lamont