The Secrets of My Life

We all have dark secrets…sink your teeth into my own.

This is by far the most challenging post I’ve ever had to write. I know it will probably come across as callous, controversial, or even plain crazy. But this is something that must be done. How can I expect to help anyone create their own paradise when I don’t do the things necessary to maintain my own? If I don’t face my demons how can I grow? One thing that I believe to be necessary at this point in my life is full disclosure. In this post we will take a gander at five of my deepest darkest secrets. Truth be told I have plenty of secrets, as I’m the type of person who rarely reveals what I’m really thinking.

1.       My Condition – My condition has been gaining a lot of traction in the media lately, however there is still a stigma associated. One of the biggest reasons is due to how little is known about what causes it, and the unpredictable nature of people diagnosed. Last year I was diagnosed as Bi-Polar. Now this will come as a shock to anyone that has spent any amount of time with me. I come across as cool, calm, collected, and very rational. In fact, I’m usually the last person you would expect to react to anything emotionally, whether it is positive or negative. Some such as my mother will say this is due to the medication but what most don’t know about the meds is that they only suffocate some of the symptoms. It’s literally a shotgun of chemicals used to stem the bleeding. This brings me to my next point.

 

2.       My Mask – In society we all put on some type of mask that will allow us to integrate into the group and associate with each other. We have different versions of ourselves that we show to different people. This is an important part of life which allows society to function. The way we act around our friends is naturally going to be different than the way we act around our family. The difference between my mask and the mask of other’s is that I have a mask of sanity. I consciously make sure to have a rational explanation for anything and everything that I do and say. The funny thing that I have found is that virtually anything deemed crazy can be explained with genius logic. What do I mean by genius logic? Genius logic is something that the average person will deem as crazy. But someone with a creative mind can use said action to benefit them greatly, thus giving them a large advantage. An example of this is having a conversation with yourself. The average person views this as something irrational. However, it has been proven time and time again to improve mood, thought processing, and chances of success. Having deep and meaningful conversations with yourself allows you to find out who you are, what you believe, and where you want to be. In simple terms, Insanity and genius are two sides of the same coin. Being diagnosed as “crazy” has allowed me to explore the vast wealth of creativity and has catapulted my life forward.

 

3.       Heartless – This is something that I have struggled with during my adolescence. When I was a child I had the biggest heart, and felt profound love. Over time I have become very cold, calculating, and sometimes manipulative. I see what I want and I am willing to do anything necessary to achieve it. Now it’s not to say that I can’t create meaningful relationships or feel love. It is that these experiences are so few and far between that at one point I was convinced I was a psychopath. The word love has little meaning to me and doesn’t carry much weight, except when I refer to myself, my sister or mother. I believe it is overused while few demonstrate it. The odd thing about me is that I am well capable of deep expressions of love and will do almost anything for someone that I care about, but once again it is rare for me to find someone that I care about. It is easier for me to say that I care about people in opposed to saying that I love them. I am realistic in the belief that I will most likely commit to someone that I care about and not one that I love. Does this make me a bad person? I’m not sure.

 

4.       Legacy –  To me my legacy is more important than my life. I want to achieve more than I want to breathe. Let’s make one thing clear. When I say legacy, I don’t mean something small/minuscule as being liked by my peers, or doing well in school. I am talking about achieving something that someone has never done before. I am talking about making a mark on the world that will never be erased. Before all is said and done I want to be a legend, an icon, and a symbol that anything can be achieved. Currently, I sleep six hours a day, eat twice a day (intermittent fasting), cut off all music, movies, and T.V shows, meditate for an hour each day, took a four-year vow of celibacy, and only listen to inspirational videos from famous entrepreneurs. The determination and drive is there as well as the work ethic. I just know I need to be patient.

 

5.       Death – As crazy as this sounds, I look forward to death. No, I’m not suicidal and no I am not in a rush to die. I simply look forward to finding out if my spiritual beliefs are true. Note I say spiritual and not religious. I am fascinated with the concept of death. Just the entire mystery behind it. It is one of the few things that every living thing on this planet has in common and no one knows for sure what it truly means. Do we have ideas, beliefs, and guesses? Of course. But at the end of the day no one knows for sure. Another aspect of death that intrigues me is the reincarnation aspect. The concept of a phoenix rising from the ashes is something that is ingrained in our DNA. Without death there could be no life. Once again there is that concept of duality. Death and life like to play together, so how can I love one and not the other?

 

If you have made it this far I tip my hat off to you. I hope this post was easier to read than it was to write. I wrote this so I can put things in perspective. We all have our demons, challenges, and we all have a dark side. The truth of the matter is that we have a choice of whether we let those things define us. But above all we have our secrets that we feel no one will accept. The only person that needs to accept these things is yourself. Facing the one in the mirror is a giant leap towards creating your own paradise. I hope my “coming out” has motivated you to address a few of your own secrets and view them in a different light. Best of luck on your journey! 

 

“We’re all guilty of wearing a mask to show we are normal. Some of us are just willing to break that mask.” – Negus Lamont

5 Things Celibacy Teaches You

Sex is a wonderful thing…but what can abstinence teach you?

Now I’m going to start this post off with a disclaimer because this topic can be triggering for some people. This post is not an outlet for me to brag about my many sexual exploits nor is it designed to denigrate the struggles of someone who isn’t sexually experienced, can’t get a date, or has low self-esteem. This post is for those who have entered the volcanic grove that is dating in 2017, and are wondering if there is a better way. In this topic we will journey into the land of dating, and will look at another option that is often left off the table. This option is known as celibacy or in clearer terms abstaining from dating and sex.

I can honestly admit that at one point in time I was a borderline sex addict. I say borderline because I could control my appetites…when I felt like it. It just so happened that I rarely felt like it. Being an above average male with mentors who were players made it fairly easy for me to learn how to attract, entertain, and bed a woman. But above all, I understood women and used that to my advantage. As a former friend of mine once said. “Once you control the mind, you control the legs.” But there are a few things that happen when you sleep with multiple partners and have multiple short-term relationships. Truth be told each time I had a meaningless encounter it was like I gave a piece of my soul to that person. One day after another meaningless encounter it hit me. That a lot of these women see me as a piece of meat, just to be used for their satisfaction and done with. It stopped being fun and I saw things for the hollow experience that it really was. They were using me the same way I was using them. This was a vicious cycle that I knew had to be broken. In any case I decided to take a vow of celibacy for a year. It was easily the greatest and most productive year of my life, because of that I have decided to extend that year to four years. Here are five things a temporary vow of celibacy can teach you.

  1. You Learn to Love – There is no easy way to say this. When you stop dating and focusing on loving someone else you learn the true definition of love. This is a concept that is difficult for most to wrap their heads around. There are two types of unconditional love. The love for a parent to a child and the love for yourself. The next type of love that most are looking for is a romantic kind of love. This love is not inherently unconditional, it is the type of love designed to fill a void. Think about it logically for a second. In order for you to get to the point of loving someone they had to be the type of person you could fall in love with. They had to share your goals, dreams, make you laugh, say the right things, or look the right way. These are just some of the conditions that had to be met before you felt that deep connection. When you choose the path of celibacy you realize that the love in its purest form comes from within. As cliché as it sounds one must love themselves unconditionally before they step back into the dating arena. That is if you want to reach your highest good.

 

  1. You Have More Time – This one is self-explanatory. When you stop dating, you have more time to spend on other more productive things. A large portion of the “dating game” is wasted time. The wasted time getting dressed for dinner, the wasted time hoping they are the one, the failed attempts at conversation. There is a lot of time wasting in between the glorious moments. Don’t get me wrong there are a lot of glorious moments when you strike is rich, but it often takes countless hours to get to that point. When you stop dating you can focus on things such as your career, learning a new language, and taking that vacation you always wanted. But above all, you get to spend time on your passion. Words cannot convey how great it feels to know what your passion is and to work on it. If you don’t know what your passion is that is fine too. Now you have the time to find out.

 

  1. It’s Not That Hard – When I first decided to become celibate I had to ask myself a very important question. How the hell am I going to pull this one off? The first few months were ridiculously challenging. But as things progress you become stronger mentally and emotionally. This leads to the revelation that anything is possible. If you can go months, even years without sex by choice then you can accomplish anything you put your mind too. This is part of the reason why so many spiritual gurus promote abstinence and celibacy. It provides you with mental strength.

 

  1. Mental Clarity – All that mental strength you gained turns into something much more profound. It becomes mental clarity. You start seeing the things that really matter in life. It is almost as if a switch flips in your brain. This is the type of mental clarity that comes with meditation and self-reflection. You start to learn more about your family and friends, while ultimately learning more about yourself. This clarity is further augmented by the connection with nature. It becomes easier for you to connect with nature once you’ve opened yourself up to that possibility. I’m not going to go into detail about the profound love nature can give you, that is something you must feel for yourself.

 

  1. Your One Will Wait – Right now your “one” is probably dating someone that is causing them inner turmoil. The time you spend developing yourself is something that your future life partner will appreciate. The amazing thing about life is that people pop into your life when you ready for them. They are either a blessing or a lesson. This means you don’t need to rush into something meaningless for the wrong reasons.

 

For some people a life of meaningless encounters can be one of the most exhilarating lifestyles imaginable. But for most it only ends up being a hollow experience that drastically shifts your mindset. To this day I still have skewed expectations from a partner. In the meantime, I’m going to continue my path of celibacy and self-love. For it is one that provides countless benefits and very few cons. A question we should all ask ourselves in this dating world is whether we are dating to fill a void or dating to augment our lives. But the big question is a very simple one. Who do you want to be a year from now?

 

“There are many types of kisses. A kiss to the lips, a kiss to the heart, and a kiss to the soul. The third brings about a love that transcends time.” – Negus Lamont

5 Signs from the Universe

No your mind isn’t playing tricks on you…these things mean something.

There are few things more reassuring in life than receiving a universal nod from the entity known as the universe. Although this will seem ludicrous at first there is a lot of anecdotal evidence that shows how powerful belief in the universe can be. When one pays attention to these signs it can provide a boost to morale and solidify one’s drive. The purpose of this post is to enlighten those who already have a certain level of belief. Here are five signs from the universe, what they mean, and what you can do about them.

 1.       Angel Numbers – Angel Numbers are repetitive numbers that appear in many different forms. These are numbers such as 111, 444,777, etc. which can manifest on license plates, phone numbers, grocery store receipts and virtually anywhere numbers appear. The beauty of these numbers is that they are all associated with a generic meaning that can be researched as well as a more personal meaning that you have the joy of deciphering. These numbers are often associated with positive vibrations such as protection, guidance, and alignment. When you see an Angel Number it is common practice to think of something positive that you want to happen in the future and take inspired action towards that future.

 2.       Things Manifest – Manifestation on any level is an amazing thing. Suddenly, it feels as if you have magical powers to create your own world. This can be something small such as thinking about someone only to have them call you a few moments later. Did you wish you had a little more cash on hand? You find $20 in one of your jacket pockets. These don’t always have to be small things. It is not uncommon for big things that you think were impossible to manifest, although from my experience it is usually in a way that you could never have imagined. When these things occur, it is time to be grateful at the gifts that you have been given, no matter how small they may appear to be. Ultimately, this is a sign that you can trust yourself to create what you really want in this world. All you must do is believe and take inspired action.

 3.       Information Appears – When you’re in sync with the universe you will often receive the right information at the perfect moment. We live in a world of abundant knowledge, yet the ability to sift through all of it is not one that can be possessed. Search engines such as google make life much easier, but how can you search for something that you didn’t know you needed to know? This is where the universe comes in. You’re working on an important project and are stuck. Unexpectedly, you see a recommended YouTube video pop up that solves your problem. You desire a change of pace and are feeling a bit lost on what direction you want to go. Suddenly, you see an ad for an interesting online opportunity. This sign is like having a group of cheerleaders at your back. It means you’re on the right path. The next logical step after experiencing this sign is to continue with the flow and decide to move forward.

 4.       Challenges Are Defeated – Challenges will happen. Things that you deem as adverse will appear out of nowhere causing you to wonder why the universe threw you for a loop. Just because the universe is in your corner doesn’t mean everything is going to be cherry blossoms and rainbows. However, there is a silver lining. As you make your way through these obstacles you’ll notice that things seem to work out for the better. You lose your job due to the company pulling out of the country, but you find out that your passion is a lucrative business. Sometimes we must journey through hell to find our paradise. The meaning behind this sign is that you have some things you need to learn, to achieve what’s best for you. This is where a paradigm shift is needed. Instead of looking at the world as good and bad, it is time to look at it as one long journey for you to enjoy. This includes the ups and the downs. The ups create joy while the downs create obstacles for you to smash through the window.

 5.       Eavesdropping – This one can be a bit challenging to decipher and from my experience is the least common of all the signs. Although considered rude, eavesdropping is something that everyone does unintentionally. As the saying goes “a closed mouth is an open ear”. Sometimes the universe will send you a vocal message in a place that you least expect it. It is possible to catch bits and pieces of a conversation only for it to apply to your life. When this occurs, it is time to dive deep into your soul to figure out what this message might mean. Keep in mind this sign is rare and not every conversation you overhear is a sign.

 These days the Law of Attraction has gained a lot of traction. Accompanied by the belief that the universe is a higher power, an entity, the collective consciousness, or even God itself. Whether you believe in the universe is an entirely different post all together. But one thing is for sure. These things do occur and one can almost always draw meaning from these personal experiences. Is it a mere coincidence or synchronicity? That is up to you to decide. As always, I would love to receive some feedback on this post. Please comment, like, share, or subscribe if you like what you read.

 “They flood the mind and give it a good swirl, but they will always have an impact. These are our thoughts.” – Negus Lamont

 

5 Life Lessons From Mother Nature

Mother nature has a LOT to teach us…are you willing to listen?

 We are all familiar with the concept of mother nature, but do we really KNOW what it means to be in a natural state? These days, most of us go through life oblivious to the massive world that surrounds us. We essentially stay in our little bubble and fail to appreciate the epic beauty that she has to offer. When it comes to creating your own personal paradise there are several life lessons that can be acquired by observing mother nature.

1.  The Squirrels – The squirrels teach us that play is the name of the game. All work and no play makes for a high stress lifestyle that will bring you to an early grave. The key is to learn how to have a healthy balance between hard dedicated work and taking time to appreciate the things that put a smile on your face. The squirrel also teaches us that it is important to stow away resources for the future. Failure to plan ahead can be one of the biggest mistakes one makes on their journey to paradise. A great goal to set in motion is to have three months salary saved up in case of a financial crisis.

 

2.      The Birds – The birds teach us that we need to aim high and never stop flying once we get there. It is important that on your journey you focus on your dreams and goals. There is a big difference between a dream and a goal, both are critical to success. A dream focuses on the ultimate destination while the goal focuses on the process required to get there. Never lose sight of your dreams as they will serve as the way point when obstacles pop up in achieving your goals. The birds also teach us that the hard work doesn’t stop once we have achieved our dream. It requires consistent effort to maintain a certain level of success. Your wings need to keep flapping as you glide across the sky.

 

3.      The Fly –  The fly is a persistent fellow. When they pick up on a scent that they are attracted to they will constantly buzz around it and attempt to land until they get bored. Persistence is the key, particularly in overcoming obstacles. Sometimes life will throw crap at you and you must deal with it. Instead of crying over your “bad luck” you need to take it as a welcomed challenge. A challenge is something for you to overcome and bask in victory once you have done so. Meanwhile, a bad circumstance is a situation that causes you to wallow in self-pity.

 

4.      The Butterfly – The glorious butterfly is elegant in her beauty. She teaches us that there is beauty in all things, but above all beauty in the self. Love yourself and love those around you. Self-love is one of the few things that can dramatically change your life for the better. Feeling genuine love for yourself can spread like wild fire throughout your soul. Once you have achieved a heightened sense of self it will feel as if you are walking on sunshine. The added benefit in loving yourself is that you learn to value your own opinion. Eventually you will seek to solve your own problems, taking control of your life.

 

5.      The Wind – The wind as an element is one of the most dynamic elements one can encounter. It can rage through the land causing devastation or it can blow through the veins of the soul with a gentle breeze. The calming effect of the wind is not to be underestimated. The wind teaches us that one must be dynamic in their mindset and be open to new possibilities. It is important that the one who wants to achieve paradise constantly adapts to changing conditions.

 

These are just a few lessons that can be learned from observing mother nature. Ultimately, one should spend time outside their comfort zone in order to create something that they have never experienced before. Anyone can create their own paradise as this is something that is unique to you. Never give up and always keep an eye out and pay attention to the life lessons that mother nature can teach you. If you enjoyed this post please like, share, or subscribe!

“Paradise can only be achieved once the inner self is understood” – Negus Lamont

Escaping The Digital Daze

Are you married to your technology? It may be time for a separation!

The Digital Age

What a wonderful time to be alive! Please take a moment to take a deep breath and acknowledge this fact. We live in an age where with one single click of a button you can reach hundreds, thousands, even millions of people. This digital age that we live in allows many luxuries. These luxuries include ease of implementation, convenience, and as already mentioned reach. But what happens when the luxuries that we so often take advantage of turn us into walking zombies? What happens when the digital craze turns into a Digital Daze?

The Digital Craze

There have been several technological advances that have come within the last hundred years to propel society forward leaps and bounds. The three I would like to bring your attention to are the computer, the internet, and the cellular phone. The educational benefits from owning a computer are vast. With its ability to compute highly complicated tasks in a short period of time has saved lives. In a similar fashion, the Internet has propelled civilization by connecting people across the world. Without the internet many things that we currently take for granted would not be possible. Finally, we have the Cellular Phone which has catapulted itself into the hands of over 60% of the world population. These three pieces of technology have several things in common, but one truly stands out. They were all designed to expedite the flow of information. Combined these three have allowed us to have access to a near unlimited amount of information in mere seconds. So, what’s the problem?

The Digital Daze

The problem lays in just how much our brain can handle. Our brains are constantly flooded with information coming from all kinds of sources. Because of this it is easy for the brain to become bogged down with useless information. Symptoms of Digital Daze are anxiety, depression, poor decision making, insomnia, and memory loss. Which coincidentally are all things that can be caused by stress. In other words, spending too much time with your technology can lead to stress. This should not be news as many of us have experienced the dreaded Timeline Demon. The moment where you catch yourself watching the lives of your friends and family online only to have a feeling of inadequacy at your own accomplishments. That feeling of dread and pain knowing that you aren’t as happy as they appear to be. Maybe if you spent less time on social media and more time on your goals you wouldn’t feel that way? Another issue that rears its hideous head is communication. Studies have shown that millennials have worse social skills than their parents. Having a face full of screen on a consistent basis makes it difficult to exercise some of the higher cognitive functions that deal with leadership skills, empathy, conflict resolution, communication, and the ability to expression emotions.

The Digital Phase

The solution to the age of technology is not to turn yourself into a hermit who hides away in a shack. But there is some balancing that is called for. Once and a while it is a good idea to get away from “The World” and spend time on yourself. Something as simple as a weekly walk in the park can do wonders for your health. In addition to nature walks one can go into a deep meditative state where they ponder their life’s greatest mysteries. Meditation helps to relieve stress, increase happiness, and increases self-awareness. All of which are crucial to living a fruitful and balanced existence. Interacting with friends could bring a whole new (old) dynamic when you hang out without phones. It forces you to actually talk to each other and if you guys have nothing to talk about…it’s probably time to find new friends.

Roland’s Crusade (Short Story)

Roland enters a poker game…but has more than games on his mind!

Roland’s Crusade (Short Story)

Roland sat with his back against the wall. He sighed as he shifted in his seat. With his cloak covering his face he began tapping his fingers against the chair. “Will you stop that?! You move as if you were a child!” exclaimed a voice. Roland stood up and faced the group of men with his fist clenched. “Which one of you spoke?” Puffs of flame escaped his mouth as his eyes burned red. His question was met with silence. The young rogue pointed at a burly man carrying a large claymore. “Was it you?” The man promptly shook his head. “Or was it you?” This time he pointed at a frail elderly fellow who kissed his teeth. “Oh, how great this cowardly person must be. To only speak anonymously amid a crowded room. I reckon he has a split between his legs and no apple to speak of. I mean that voice did sound a bit feminine.” Laughter filled the room.

Roland took his seat once again where he began tapping his fingers furiously. The metal door swung open to reveal a short man wearing a giant red top hat and blue pointy shoes. “Let’s see who is next…ahh yes. Roland Lamont, Jasper Convene, and a Mr. Von Goulash.” A man dawning a gold and black cloak with star earrings stood up. While holding his hands at his hips he spoke. “It’s actually Baron Von Goulash sir. It would please me very much if you tried that again.” The dealer cleared his throat. “I suppose…that wouldn’t be a problem. Baron Von Goulash please come in.”

The three players entered the room to view the aftermath of what had transpired previously. In the middle of the room was a large circular table where cards and poker chips could be seen sprawled on top. A large bulbous man could be seen covered in blood eating a pastry. Across from him laid the body of one of the lads that had entered previously. His throat was cut in a crude fashion. The jagged blade was still stuck inside. Jasper covered his mouth as he approached the table. “W…what…what happened here?” The bulbous man spat on the floor. Cherry sauce leaked onto his shirt as he spoke. “He was a cheat. I don’t tolerate swindlers, shysters, and above all cheats! Now let’s play some cards.” Jasper grasped the neck of his collar as he took a deep breath. Baron Von Goulash sat down with a large smile on his face. Roland pushed the body of the cheat aside and sat down. “The game is Morrow City hold up. The buy in is five thousand lion dollars. With an additionally two thousand allowed. Play a fair game and you won’t get your throat slit.” Said the dealer.

Roland began grinding his teeth. After the first deal Roland glanced at his cards and smirked. “All in”. Jasper bit his lip for a moment before folding. “Haven’t you ever heard of a gentleman’s game? What kind of scoundrel plays in such a manner?” Said Baron Von Goulash. Roland licked his lips. “I didn’t come here for a gentleman’s game I came here to win your money. Make your play Baron Von whatnot” Baron Von Goulash began to turn red. He took a sip of wine before folding. “I rather not…for cards are a game like fine wine. Slow to the taste will make not waste!” The bulbous man dawned a vague expression. Several moments passed while the two men stared at each other. The dealer was the first to break the silence. “Master…Master Vaughn…do you fold?” With swift justice Vaughn slapped the dealer across his face. “How dare you speak my name in front of these nobodies!” He slammed both his fists against the table. “Get me my two thousand! I call and I raise two thousand. That is a total of seven thousand in case you can’t count rogue!”

Roland smirked and reached for his coin purse, dropping it onto the table. “Seven thousand. Feel free to count it…my numbers ain’t so good master Vaughn!” He said with a grin. Vaughn winced. He dropped his cards revealing a straight flush. Jasper widened his eyes while the baron took another sip of wine. “Open your hand boy!” Said Master Vaughn. Ignoring this slight Roland opened his hand to reveal a royal flush. “Sorry master…it looks like you came up a little short.” Vaughn stood up and walked towards a large grey cabinet. “You think you’re funny huh? Do you know who I am?” Roland nodded. “Yes…you’re the man who just lost seven thousand lion dollars.” As Vaughn opened the cabinet he began to rummage through its contents.

The dealer widened his eyes while backing away from the table. “Sir Roland…please take your winnings and go. I don’t want any more trouble.” The rogue removed his hood and began to lean back, placing a foot on the table. “I’m quite comfortable where I am.” Baron Von Goulash scoffed. “You are about as bright as you look. Everyone in the underground knows Master Vaughn is the most ruthless host in the city.” An eerie expression crossed the young rogues face. “So ruthless that he would kill a twelve year old girl for spilling ale on his new leather boots.” Jasper gasped. “I heard about that…he cut off her foot before making her walk across the bridge of spirits. Then he shot her in the back with a crossbow. But what does that have to do with anything…kids die all the time.” Roland shrugged.

“Nothing I suppose…except that little girl had a brother…and that brother had a friend. Now that friend came to me and what can I say…I’m a sucker for a sob story.” Master Vaughn emerged from the cabinet dawning two golden crossbows. “You can very well join that foolish wench in the grave.” Master Vaughn aimed at Roland’s throat as he pulled the triggers. In one swift motion, the rogue dodged the projectiles landing in front of Vaughn. He removed his dagger and held it at the man’s throat. “Now…this is the part where you beg for your life.” Said the rogue. “Wait…wait…I got money!” were the last words he spoke as he drew his final breath.

 

“Tis a sad man who lives life without gold, but an even sadder one who only lives for it.”

          Roland Lamont

My Journey Into The Abyss (Part 2)

If you’re still holding my hand at this point blessings to you. Here is part 2!

Mr. Perfect

Unfortunately for me my room didn’t offer me the salvation that I was seeking, at least not at first. I sat there and pondered for a moment but came up with nothing but the status quo. So, like a good young man I went to school and did my school work, I went to work and worked hard. I decided I’ll be as perfect as possible. So that’s what I did for the next several years. I would consciously be as prim and proper as possible in every avenue of my life. I had to be the smartest, the funniest, the kindest and above all I had to be the best.

The Abyss

One day I had a rendezvous with a random woman of which I didn’t even know her name. But she wanted to smoke some green. At this point in my life green was only a means to an end, I never smoked alone and I never smoked with my “friends”. If I wasn’t getting any action from it then I wasn’t doing it. So, I did what I normally would do. I obliged her request knowing that it would be worth my while and got the green. On the fateful night, she flopped. Leaving me home alone with green that I don’t want, and above all extremely horny. It was not a pleasant moment for me. But such things happen where every man must take a loss once and a while. I deleted her number and stared at the bag that I had laid in front of me. What the heck? Why not? I mean what’s the worst that can happen? I rolled one up, sparked it, and inhaled. I sat there and began to ponder my life. I looked around at what I had and I thought about the people in my life. One word popped into my head, the word “use”.

Now the revelation that comes next may be obvious to you as the reader but to me it was absolutely the most mind-blowing thought I have ever had. “use?” I said to myself. Me being the nerd that I am I had to find the pure definition of use. I started to read. Now the first definition speaks in regards of using something to accomplish a purpose or achieve a result. That was fine for me. I mean nothing interesting there. The second definition speaks in regards of a state of affairs that existed for a period in the past. That was simple enough. But the third was what hit me in the gonads. It was a low blow to the essence that was my soul. “The action of using something or the state of being used for some purpose.” I thought to myself, what an interesting definition.

My mind then began to apply it to my life. I looked at my recent failed relationship. The one that had lasted three years on and off due to infidelity. She would always call me her rock and would lean on me in her hard times but when things were good she would disappear. Yes, seems to apply there. I was being used for that one purpose. My feet started to tingle as they became warm. I then applied it to my friendship with my “mentor” who constantly asks me for favors of which I always say yes. Because that’s what a perfect friend does. Yes, seems to apply there as well. I was being used for that purpose. The warmth started to flow upwards towards my stomach.

I started to apply it to work where I would manage two areas at the same time which was twice my paid workload. The warmth came up to my neck. Then I had one final realization. I looked in the mirror and I said to myself  “But wait…I’m everybody’s bitch.” This final realization sent my mind into a deep spiral where in an instant I went over every single time I’ve ever been used in my life. It got to the point where I became so enraged that I blacked out.

 

The Hospital

I woke up in the hospital restrained to a gurney. The first thing that came to my mind was that “I’m hungry”. As I was being pushed along the hallway I saw another patient standing there eating crackers. She looked at me and smiled, then offered me some crackers. I couldn’t speak because my mouth was too dry but I nodded. She laughed and said, “Crackers aren’t for you!” then walked away. When they finally took off the restraints I noticed my wrists were chaffed from all the struggling I must have been doing. Instantly I could assess the situation. I was in the mental ward with all the crazies and I had a mental break. But for some reason I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t angry anymore. In fact, there was a deep sense of knowing. Knowing that everything would be alright.

The doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder.  Which to me was the dumbest thing I had ever heard. “I’m not crazy. I’m a man of above average intelligence who is successful in both his work life and personal life. How can I be crazy?” Was all that came to my mind. I tried to explain away the situation with different logic and convince the doctor that I wasn’t bipolar. In any case he said I’d have to stay for a couple days for evaluation.

The interesting thing about being in the psych ward is that it’s filled with a melting pot of people. People from all avenues of life. I met a Triad member, a banker, and a musician to name a few. These people all had relatively normal lives until they were hit with this illness. But I wasn’t like them I told myself. In my mind, I knew there had to be a reason for all of this. There is no way that my story could end with me withering away into nothingness. That’s when “the universe” started to happen.

The Universe

Now this part is where I know I will lose the attention of some people. Some will say ok this guy is crazy I’m out and that is fine. Even though I was on medication I was still being flooded with racing thoughts. But these thoughts were not the everyday run of the mill work, school, and relationship. I started to think about the great questions of the universe. I started to ponder how energy and consciousness are linked, how the brain is more than just a computer but it also acts as a transmitter receiving frequency and vibration in the form of thought, etc. Now this is where you’re probably saying ok, this guy is one of those new age guys. I’m out. If that’s how you feel that is fine too.

I continued to get numerous thoughts and revelations. It was as if a deep inner knowing had been gifted to me and my brain had to reboot to handle it. I was being flooded with information and it felt amazing. To this day it was the most exhilarating feeling I have ever felt. There is numerous documentation on a manic episode but very little on what goes on in the mind of someone during a manic episode. It was as if my body would move on its own while my mind received the information. I was simply a witness to it all. But above all it felt as if I was connected to something greater than myself. Keep in mind I was under medication at the time.

Spirituality

I don’t remember when the information started to slow down but it did. For a period, I was sad about it. Once again there is numerous amount of information on the depression associated with bipolar mania but not what actually goes on in the mind of the patient. I mean having felt connected to something greater than yourself. Something greater than man is quite a big shoe to fill. But by the grace of the gods it happened. Throughout my journey I have experienced and witnessed things that have made me believe in a higher power unequivocally.

It started with something as simple as receiving information about something then looking it up online to find out that it is a well-known fact. This would happen for months at a time. One night I was in the bathroom stall at a banquet when the person in the stall next to mine started to make strange sounds as if he was beat boxing. I promptly finished my business and went to wash my hands. He started to bang on the walls of the stall and began screeching in a high pitch tone. Now I wasn’t going to be a pussy and rush out of the bathroom without washing my hands. But I knew I didn’t want to be alone. For the first time in my life I prayed.

As I looked in the mirror. I said “Lord…please don’t leave me alone with this…” and I kid you not that bathroom door opened and five people came in. It looked fake, as if it was a scene out of a badly shot movie. I was in awe that my prayer had been answered. Every ounce of doubt that I had washed away.

What Changed

My entire outlook on life changed. I realized that life is all about perspective and slowly my perspective changed to a more positive one. I had to relearn how to feel genuine emotions. I had to learn how to deal with my issues, not cast them aside and ignore them. I learned to set boundaries for myself and those that I let in my circle. I realized that I had been using women as an outlet for my inner demons and that had to stop. But above all I learned to believe in something greater than myself. I understood how someone could have faith in something that they “can’t see”.

What’s my life purpose you ask?  I believe I know what it is but I won’t know for sure until the time comes. If you want to find out subscribe and join me on this journey of mine. I hope you enjoyed reading. If you made it this far I’d like to leave you with a quote from one of the characters from my novel.

“Those who bathe in shadows are destined to drown in them”

–          Din Tei Bourbon