5 Signs from the Universe

No your mind isn’t playing tricks on you…these things mean something.

There are few things more reassuring in life than receiving a universal nod from the entity known as the universe. Although this will seem ludicrous at first there is a lot of anecdotal evidence that shows how powerful belief in the universe can be. When one pays attention to these signs it can provide a boost to morale and solidify one’s drive. The purpose of this post is to enlighten those who already have a certain level of belief. Here are five signs from the universe, what they mean, and what you can do about them.

 1.       Angel Numbers – Angel Numbers are repetitive numbers that appear in many different forms. These are numbers such as 111, 444,777, etc. which can manifest on license plates, phone numbers, grocery store receipts and virtually anywhere numbers appear. The beauty of these numbers is that they are all associated with a generic meaning that can be researched as well as a more personal meaning that you have the joy of deciphering. These numbers are often associated with positive vibrations such as protection, guidance, and alignment. When you see an Angel Number it is common practice to think of something positive that you want to happen in the future and take inspired action towards that future.

 2.       Things Manifest – Manifestation on any level is an amazing thing. Suddenly, it feels as if you have magical powers to create your own world. This can be something small such as thinking about someone only to have them call you a few moments later. Did you wish you had a little more cash on hand? You find $20 in one of your jacket pockets. These don’t always have to be small things. It is not uncommon for big things that you think were impossible to manifest, although from my experience it is usually in a way that you could never have imagined. When these things occur, it is time to be grateful at the gifts that you have been given, no matter how small they may appear to be. Ultimately, this is a sign that you can trust yourself to create what you really want in this world. All you must do is believe and take inspired action.

 3.       Information Appears – When you’re in sync with the universe you will often receive the right information at the perfect moment. We live in a world of abundant knowledge, yet the ability to sift through all of it is not one that can be possessed. Search engines such as google make life much easier, but how can you search for something that you didn’t know you needed to know? This is where the universe comes in. You’re working on an important project and are stuck. Unexpectedly, you see a recommended YouTube video pop up that solves your problem. You desire a change of pace and are feeling a bit lost on what direction you want to go. Suddenly, you see an ad for an interesting online opportunity. This sign is like having a group of cheerleaders at your back. It means you’re on the right path. The next logical step after experiencing this sign is to continue with the flow and decide to move forward.

 4.       Challenges Are Defeated – Challenges will happen. Things that you deem as adverse will appear out of nowhere causing you to wonder why the universe threw you for a loop. Just because the universe is in your corner doesn’t mean everything is going to be cherry blossoms and rainbows. However, there is a silver lining. As you make your way through these obstacles you’ll notice that things seem to work out for the better. You lose your job due to the company pulling out of the country, but you find out that your passion is a lucrative business. Sometimes we must journey through hell to find our paradise. The meaning behind this sign is that you have some things you need to learn, to achieve what’s best for you. This is where a paradigm shift is needed. Instead of looking at the world as good and bad, it is time to look at it as one long journey for you to enjoy. This includes the ups and the downs. The ups create joy while the downs create obstacles for you to smash through the window.

 5.       Eavesdropping – This one can be a bit challenging to decipher and from my experience is the least common of all the signs. Although considered rude, eavesdropping is something that everyone does unintentionally. As the saying goes “a closed mouth is an open ear”. Sometimes the universe will send you a vocal message in a place that you least expect it. It is possible to catch bits and pieces of a conversation only for it to apply to your life. When this occurs, it is time to dive deep into your soul to figure out what this message might mean. Keep in mind this sign is rare and not every conversation you overhear is a sign.

 These days the Law of Attraction has gained a lot of traction. Accompanied by the belief that the universe is a higher power, an entity, the collective consciousness, or even God itself. Whether you believe in the universe is an entirely different post all together. But one thing is for sure. These things do occur and one can almost always draw meaning from these personal experiences. Is it a mere coincidence or synchronicity? That is up to you to decide. As always, I would love to receive some feedback on this post. Please comment, like, share, or subscribe if you like what you read.

 “They flood the mind and give it a good swirl, but they will always have an impact. These are our thoughts.” – Negus Lamont

 

4 Tricks Your Mind Plays On You

The mind has a way of tricking you into submission!

The brain is a wonderful piece of equipment while the mind is a glorious tool used by said equipment. To put it in basic terms you can call the brain the hardware of your computer while the mind is the software. As advanced life forms, we use more than our instincts to go about our daily activities. The mind manages our interpretations of the world by filtering our beliefs and habits. The mind can communicate to us in various ways. The most common way is through our emotions, dreams, sensations, imagination, and feelings. The consequence behind this function is that your perception becomes your reality. What you believe is ultimately what the world is to you, whether the collective consciousness of society agrees with you is irrelevant…or is it? Below are five tricks that your mind often plays on you, and what you can do about it!

 

  1. You’re the Villain – Sometimes in life it feels as if the world has come crashing down on you, almost as if the world is truly against you. Your car got towed, you got kicked out of your house, and your partner broke up with you. These things came out of nowhere to send you into a downward spiral. You’re in a panicked state you don’t know what to do and you don’t know where to turn. You look around and realize that you are alone and nothing you can do will change that fact. Finally, you look up to the sky and cry out to whoever is listening and ask, “why me?” We have all felt this way at some point or another. It is as if we are the villain in a superhero movie and the good guys have invaded our fortress only to shatter it to pieces. The harsh truth is that you aren’t the villain in any movie, and chances are no one is out to get you. Things happen in life that you will deem unfavorable. This isn’t the time to throw a pity party nor is it time to search for outside assistance. When the world comes crashing down and you truly feel alone that is when you at your most beautiful state of mind. No, I haven’t lost my mind and you didn’t read that incorrectly. Rock bottom is where epiphanies come from. This where you get to have a truly life altering moment. This is where you become that hero who overcomes adversity and become a stronger person for it. The first step to achieving this is to search within. You need to look inward and figure out what type of person you need to be to overcome this obstacle, then…become that person.

 

  1. You’re Not Good Enough – There are many who are controlled by their mind, some who control it, and few who work in harmony with it. Our thoughts often have a way of drifting out of control. Just when you think you have a handle on your crippling anxiety you get a strong kick to the gonads. You start worrying about what is going to come next and ultimately know it’s going to be a fail. It feels as if someone gave you a witch’s brew made of self-doubt and self-loathing and snuck it into your morning coffee. No matter what type of situation you’re in the consequence is the same. You doubt your abilities to accomplish a certain goal/task. You secretly believe that other people are simply better, luckier, or you’re lacking in some area. This is a common perception that forms when we see other people living successful lives on social media. Our friends, family, and even partner all seem to be doing something amazing with their lives. The truth of the matter is that you can accomplish virtually anything in this world if you are willing to put in the necessary pain for it. You can get that gorgeous partner if you take the first step and say hi. You can get that promotion if you put in the necessary time, energy, and work for it. Once again, a shift in perception is necessary. It will take time to gain that confidence, but so what? People say life is short. I completely disagree. Living your life is easily the longest thing you will ever have to do.

 

  1. I Will Just Be Like… – This one will probably have some people telling me to go screw myself, but so be it. These days, it is not uncommon for people to idolize a celebrity, or a successful person in business and follow their every word like the gospel. They will read, watch, and absorb everything that person has to say on how they made it to the big stage, and will use that as their template to success. Although there is nothing wrong with learning from the experts, things get out of hand when you start treating their every word like it came from the heavens and crashed right into your lap. The reason for this is due to how life works out for different people. There is no one size fit all solution for success. Yes, there are numerous agreed upon guidelines, but ultimately there isn’t a specific template that you can follow. This means it is important to read and learn about people you admire but you need to adjust based on your situation. Someone once told me that the path is forged already, I just need to follow their footsteps. This can be a destructive mentality to have. If you spend all your time copying the greats, does that really make you great? Besides life is ultimately a journey of finding your truth. How can you find your truth when you are busy acting like someone else? The solution is to take in as much useful information as possible and create something new from that. Create, create, create!

 

  1. One Day… – One day what? One day you will become the great one and everyone will bow to your every whim? One day you will have the woman/man of your dreams and they will love you like no one else has ever loved you? One day you will have that epic job that is easy, pays well, prestigious? What’s the problem with having dreams you may ask? Well there is nothing inherently wrong with having goals or dreams. That is a fundamental part of finding your own paradise. The problem arises when these goals and dreams are combined with inaction. Note I said inaction not inability. When one chooses not to work on their dreams/goals they are doing a disservice to themselves and those around them. By simply making grandiose claims to the world you are just filling up space and wasting another person’s time. The most common belief is that there isn’t enough time to accomplish one’s goals. Let’s calculate that for a moment. Say you work a 9-5 job and you sleep 8 hours with a 1-hour commute. You are still left with six hours a day to work on your goals, eat, and get dressed/shower. That is more than enough time to make progress on something that should matter to you more than life. If you believe you have this grand purpose in life then you should be willing to make the time necessary to accomplish it.

 

Ultimately, life can be defined as a journey of minds weaving in and out of each other’s worlds. It can be a beautiful thing when your software is working to optimum efficiency. It is up to you to be aware of the tricks that the mind can play on you and take steps to fix them.

“No matter how large or small we all make an impact on the world, our choices determine what kind of impact.” – Negus Lamont

6 Types of Social Media Commenters

Find out the six ways your friends interact with your posts!

Social Media can be a useful way to connect with your friends. Connecting with someone online is fun, effective, and above all convenient. While navigating the online bazaar of likes, shares, and comments it is a good idea to know what you’re getting into. Below I will discuss the five different types of Social Media commenters. Why is that important to creating your paradise? When you know the motives for someone’s comment you know how to receive it. It is not uncommon for arguments to start online based on misunderstandings. Additionally, being aware of your surroundings is a key component to establishing a path for yourself. When you know the type of people you will encounter online you can decide if it’s worth your time.

  1. Captain Save Em – This type of commenter likes to give positive reinforcement regardless of the situation. This is strictly done to attain the affection of a woman that he hopes will sleep with him. He will say things like what an amazing “queen” when a woman posts a half-naked picture of herself. The Captain Save Em constantly focuses on uplifting a woman no matter what her flaws may be. Additionally, he will come to the defense of any woman who he feels is being disrespected, no matter how small the slight may be. It is not uncommon for the man to become engaged in a heated argument with another man even if the woman took no offense. Because of his “attack dog” demeanor he is equally hated by other men and loved by most women. Out of all the commenters this one is the most controversial.
  2. The Instigator – This type of commenter is on social media for entertainment purposes. He/she will scroll down their timeline in search of any sort of drama. Once a target has been located The Instigator will add fuel to the fire. This is often done in the form adding a few choice words to further infuriate one side of the argument. Another favorite tactic of the Instigator is adding an ambiguous statement or picture. By doing this they serve to confuse both parties who are already in a frenzied state. This often leads to a bigger argument to clarify the original points of view. If you have ever used the Michael Jackson thriller picture where he is eating popcorn this one is for you.
  3. The Judge/Politician – This political servant in training can serve many different roles in a conversation. This type of commenter is often viewed as the mediator who will try to calm both sides down. They engage in the conversation so they can act as the moral judge, jury, and executioner. It is not uncommon for this type of commenter to say things such as “It’s not that serious guys” or “Let’s focus on the original point of the post”. At first glance, they may appear to be helping the situation but they often make things worse. There is a certain degree of self-righteousness that is involved when a random person chooses to be the judge of someone else’s argument. Who are they to determine how you should conduct yourself online? Additionally, the politician will enter an argument only to play the fence. He/she will acknowledge the valid points on both sides to establish a mutual ground between them. Once again, no one asked them to act as the mediator. Out of all the commenters this one is viewed as the most annoying.
  4. The Pickup Artist – This type of commenter can be spotted a mile away. Fortunately for him/her this doesn’t make them any less affective. The Pickup Artist has one objective. To attract, catch, and bed a mate. There is no confusing their intentions as they are transparent out of the gate. Like the Captain Save Em he will use compliments as his weapon of choice, but the difference lays in the execution. The Pick-Up artist uses a combination of humor mixed with sexual innuendo in the form of a compliment (often a backwards one). He will go back and forth with the woman in question before casually entering her private messages. He will ignore anyone and anything that does not fall in line with his objective. Because of this focus he/she is often successful (eventually). Yes, there are such things as a female pickup artist.
  5. The Keyboard Warrior – AKA the tough guy/girl. This type of commenter tends to start arguments just so they can use their favorite line “Let’s take this outside”. The Keyboard Warrior likes to appear physically tough and ready for a fight at the drop of a hat. Anytime they are losing an argument they will result to the threat of violence. What makes matter worse is that they are extremely convincing in their act, and can often scare away their target. Beneath it all, this person is a troll. They get off on the attention they receive from both genders. This is the villain of the commenter crew and just wants the “world” to burn.
  6. The Information Seeker – Out of all the types of commenters this is the only one who truly desires peace and harmony. He/she will comment encouraging words or add a simple informative comment on a post that piques their interest. These are the silent heroes of the Social Media world. All they want is to find informative, funny, or helpful posts. You can recognize this person by the type of content they bring to the table. This type of commenter will always add value to the discussion in some shape or form.

 

These are the six types of Social Media commenters that you will encounter when you post something online. They can range from harmless to soul draining. It is important that one keeps an eye out for the negative people that tend to pop up in life. If you feel I have missed any please drop a comment below. I’d love to hear feedback on this post!

 

“When you love yourself, the only like you need is the one given to the mirror.” – Negus Lamont

The Cardinal Dating Rules

Dating in 2017 can be a real headache! Allow these five rules to be your Advil.

Dating today is like pulling teeth. With the emergence of Tinder, POF, and other online dating sites/apps you have been reduced to a disposable commodity. But you are more than that. You are a human being who has hopes and dreams. One of them is to find a partner that stimulates you mentally and physically. To find the right person, it is crucial that you hold yourself accountable. This way you won’t fall to the many pitfalls that is the minefield of 2017 dating. These rules are called the Cardinal Dating Rules which apply to both men and women seeking dating success in 2017.

  1. Love yourself.

This rule is by far the most important one. Dating isn’t supposed to be about filling a void in your heart. It is supposed to be about finding someone that makes your stomach tingle. Whether that is romantically, sexually, or mentally. When you date to fill a void, you end up short changing yourself because you are relying on someone else to do what you can do for yourself. Additionally, you will come across as needy and potentially push that special person away.

  1. You are NOT disposable.

Please repeat after me, you are not disposable! With how easy it is to swipe right it feels as if we are living in a world of abundance when it comes to suitors. Although the clear majority of men are sending the exact same message to a dozen other women that doesn’t mean that you aren’t special. Entertain men who point out specific details of your profile and ask thought provoking questions. Just because the guy wants to sleep with you doesn’t mean that is all he wants. If you are male then the reality is that the woman you have matched with probably isn’t going to respond. Chances are your message got lost in the sea of messages or she doesn’t even check her dating app anymore due to being overwhelmed. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t a suitable mate it just means you must cast your line out more often. Hence the vicious cycle. Ultimately, one must be patient in this dating game and weed through the muck to find their personal gemstone.

  1. Have Standards

This goes hand in hand with number one. One must have standards for a partner. At the same time, one needs to be realistic in their expectations. When looking for a significant other you need to assess your own dating value. For example, if you live in a shack have no job and have no prospects whatsoever then you probably shouldn’t expect your partner to have these things and more. At the same time don’t limit yourself by setting your standards too low. If you have a good head on your shoulders, are career driven, and well educated then don’t accept a partner who can’t step in your arena.

  1. Multi-Dating

With the convenience gained from dating apps comes a major repercussion. Chances are the person you are dating is dating other people. Because of this it is more difficult than ever to hold someone’s attention. At the same time, this can work in your favor. Dating multiple people allows you to experience different personalities and choose someone that best meets your standards. Every great hunter has several arrows for their bow.

  1. Social media is NOT your best friend

Just because you can post anything you want on social media doesn’t mean you should. Especially when it comes to the dating game. The whole world doesn’t need to know when you and the person your dating enter an argument. Additionally, this childish tactic serves the purpose of embarrassing both you and your partner. It is a clear cry for attention. Be direct and address any issues you have with your partner.

Conclusion

Dating doesn’t have to be difficult but it is challenging when done right. That is the beauty of it. It takes time and energy to find someone that sparks that special spot in your heart. But it is worth it in the end. Be sure to mind these five rules and feel free to create some of your own. It is important that you know your worth and trust your gut instinct. Life is a journey that is meant to be lived with both eyes open, enjoy the twists and turns.

“One step in the right direction is worth a thousand in the wrong.” – Negus Lamont

 

 

Escaping The Digital Daze

Are you married to your technology? It may be time for a separation!

The Digital Age

What a wonderful time to be alive! Please take a moment to take a deep breath and acknowledge this fact. We live in an age where with one single click of a button you can reach hundreds, thousands, even millions of people. This digital age that we live in allows many luxuries. These luxuries include ease of implementation, convenience, and as already mentioned reach. But what happens when the luxuries that we so often take advantage of turn us into walking zombies? What happens when the digital craze turns into a Digital Daze?

The Digital Craze

There have been several technological advances that have come within the last hundred years to propel society forward leaps and bounds. The three I would like to bring your attention to are the computer, the internet, and the cellular phone. The educational benefits from owning a computer are vast. With its ability to compute highly complicated tasks in a short period of time has saved lives. In a similar fashion, the Internet has propelled civilization by connecting people across the world. Without the internet many things that we currently take for granted would not be possible. Finally, we have the Cellular Phone which has catapulted itself into the hands of over 60% of the world population. These three pieces of technology have several things in common, but one truly stands out. They were all designed to expedite the flow of information. Combined these three have allowed us to have access to a near unlimited amount of information in mere seconds. So, what’s the problem?

The Digital Daze

The problem lays in just how much our brain can handle. Our brains are constantly flooded with information coming from all kinds of sources. Because of this it is easy for the brain to become bogged down with useless information. Symptoms of Digital Daze are anxiety, depression, poor decision making, insomnia, and memory loss. Which coincidentally are all things that can be caused by stress. In other words, spending too much time with your technology can lead to stress. This should not be news as many of us have experienced the dreaded Timeline Demon. The moment where you catch yourself watching the lives of your friends and family online only to have a feeling of inadequacy at your own accomplishments. That feeling of dread and pain knowing that you aren’t as happy as they appear to be. Maybe if you spent less time on social media and more time on your goals you wouldn’t feel that way? Another issue that rears its hideous head is communication. Studies have shown that millennials have worse social skills than their parents. Having a face full of screen on a consistent basis makes it difficult to exercise some of the higher cognitive functions that deal with leadership skills, empathy, conflict resolution, communication, and the ability to expression emotions.

The Digital Phase

The solution to the age of technology is not to turn yourself into a hermit who hides away in a shack. But there is some balancing that is called for. Once and a while it is a good idea to get away from “The World” and spend time on yourself. Something as simple as a weekly walk in the park can do wonders for your health. In addition to nature walks one can go into a deep meditative state where they ponder their life’s greatest mysteries. Meditation helps to relieve stress, increase happiness, and increases self-awareness. All of which are crucial to living a fruitful and balanced existence. Interacting with friends could bring a whole new (old) dynamic when you hang out without phones. It forces you to actually talk to each other and if you guys have nothing to talk about…it’s probably time to find new friends.

Jarvan’s Will ( Short Story)

Would you give up your left hand to gain the world in your right? Jarvan finds out! In this epic short tale.

The Oakwood door creaked as he pushed it open. Jarvan Hartengale V walked into the room where his brother sat. “So…he’s dead.” Said Jarvan V. Jarvan Hartengale VI stood up before kicking the chair across the room. “Ya…he’s dead!” Jarvan V inched closer to his brother with his palms out. “Did you read his will already?”.

Jarvan VI picked up a piece of parchment and threw it in his brother’s direction. “Read it for yourself. Father was such a vagabond, I’m surprised he even bothered to write one.” The older Jarvan glanced over the parchment with pursed lips. “Well? What do you think? That old fool finally showed us his hand in death!” Jarvan VI began pacing back and forth. “Well it says here that he believes neither of us deserve to be king. He says that I am too cold, calculating, and stubborn. But he also says that you are too rash, immature, and likely to die a swift death on the battlefield. I mean…he wasn’t wrong in his assessment…as usual.” Jarvan VI slammed his foot on the ground causing sparks of light to emit.

“Me? Likely to die a swift death on the battlefield? I am the guild’s pride and joy. He is the one that up and let himself die a miserable death, worthy of the cunt that he is! Enough about father, this talk is beginning to upset my soul. What do you suggest we do next?” Jarvan V grimaced but remained silent. “What? You’re upset that I called him a cunt? He disliked both of us equally yet you were ever the doting son. What thanks did you get for your dedication and commitment?” Silence swept the room as Jarvan V continued to glare at his younger brother. While his eyes burned yellow the temperature in the room began to rise.

“Fine…fine…I take it back. He wasn’t a cunt. Happy now?” Jarvan V softened his posture. “I will be happy when this ordeal is over and done with. I suggest we let the people decide.” Jarvan VI began to laugh uncontrollably. “You will let the people decide? You do realize they love me more than words can convey. While you…brother… you are about as loveable as a pet rock. About as malleable as one at that!” The older Jarvan raised an eyebrow. “You mistake love for your antics and generosity with love for you as a leader. I believe the people will see that I am the one most suitable to lead them to greater prosperity and glory.” The younger Jarvan smirked, his eyes gleaming. “Very well! It shall be something the common folk call an e-l-e-c-t-i-o-n.”

 

Struggling to breathe Jarvan V began to loosen the knot around his neck. The bag that covered his face tightened with each attempt. High pitched laughter began to fill the room. A squeaky voice murmured. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you…” Jarvan raised his hand displaying an obscene gesture. “Shut your mouth and unleash me at once!” The voice began to chuckle to himself. “I suppose even the cool, calm, and collected Jarvan Hartengale V has his limits. We will unleash you soon enough. We just have a few questions for you.” Jarvan stood up pulling on the chains that bound him. “I will not answer any of your questions while this bag covers my face. Nor will you get any answers of me while these chains restrain my hands. Above all I will not answer questions to a peon such as yourself. I wish to speak to your leader.” Whispering could be heard throughout the room.

A deep booming voice could be heard amongst them. “You are as clever as the people make you out to be!” The shackles dissolved in a flash of purple sand while the bag shriveled into a tiny speck. Jarvan surveyed his surroundings. He was trapped in a cursed circle which formed a barrier around him. Outside the circle he could see thirteen robed figures all dawning blue cloaks with a swan insignia on their chest. “Who are you people and what do you want from me?” One of the figures stepped forward. “We are the Swan Guild and it is not what we want from you…but what we can do for you!” Jarvan’s face manifested into a grotesque scowl. “I am in no mood for riddles, speak with purpose or hold your tongue.” The robed figures began flapping their arms about akin to a bird. “Spoken like a true Lion. We believe your guild has the potential to rule this world…with the right assistance of course. I mean first we would have to make you emperor.”

Jarvan stepped forward pointing at the robed figure. “You have not answered my question sufficiently.” The figure inched closer. “The Swan Guild is a guild unlike any other. We perform a special kind of magic.” The figure threw a gold coin inside the circle. “Bask in the glory that is the Lion Dollar. Our prized possession. A gold coin which will signify the reign of the mighty Lion Guild. Whether you will be at the helm of this guild during its prosperity is up to you.” Jarvan bit into the coin. “You mean to use this small piece of gold as a medium of exchange for goods and services?” The robed figures began flapping their arms once again. “Yes! Yes! You understand…for swan’s sake you understand. We have heard about those Lion eyes of yours and how they let you see things that others cannot, but we weren’t sure if the rumors were true!” Jarvan remained silent. “Ahh, yes. I suppose you want to know what the cost for our allegiance is. A better question is, what are you willing to part with to gain the world?”

Jarvan V stroked his beard for a moment. He began to pace back and forth. His eyes burned bright yellow as they threatened to engulf the room. “I am willing to do what is necessary for the good of my people. With me as their emperor I can lead them to greater prosperity, security, and joy. I am willing to give what you wish to take.” The robed figures began to clap their hands together. “Very well said. Is that your final response?” This question was met with silence.

Jarvan V awoke in his bed chambers to an unusual amount of silence. He turned to his side as he grasped the empty bed space beside him. “No…not her!” He rushed to the bathroom where he was met with emptiness. Getting dressed in haste he placed his gown on his person. As he ran down the stairs beads of swear began to pour down his brow. Jarvan Hartengale VI blocked his way with his spear. “Brother, I do not know how you managed it…but the people have chosen.” He lowered to his knees. “I pledge my spear to you for as long as I breath air on this earth. I pledge the spear of my children and my children’s children, for we will forever be under your command.” Sweat still pouring across the emperors face he dropped to his knees. “What the gods give with their right hand they take with their left.”

The End

 

“What the gods give with their right hand they take with their left.”

Jarvan Hartengale V

My Journey Into The Abyss (Part 2)

If you’re still holding my hand at this point blessings to you. Here is part 2!

Mr. Perfect

Unfortunately for me my room didn’t offer me the salvation that I was seeking, at least not at first. I sat there and pondered for a moment but came up with nothing but the status quo. So, like a good young man I went to school and did my school work, I went to work and worked hard. I decided I’ll be as perfect as possible. So that’s what I did for the next several years. I would consciously be as prim and proper as possible in every avenue of my life. I had to be the smartest, the funniest, the kindest and above all I had to be the best.

The Abyss

One day I had a rendezvous with a random woman of which I didn’t even know her name. But she wanted to smoke some green. At this point in my life green was only a means to an end, I never smoked alone and I never smoked with my “friends”. If I wasn’t getting any action from it then I wasn’t doing it. So, I did what I normally would do. I obliged her request knowing that it would be worth my while and got the green. On the fateful night, she flopped. Leaving me home alone with green that I don’t want, and above all extremely horny. It was not a pleasant moment for me. But such things happen where every man must take a loss once and a while. I deleted her number and stared at the bag that I had laid in front of me. What the heck? Why not? I mean what’s the worst that can happen? I rolled one up, sparked it, and inhaled. I sat there and began to ponder my life. I looked around at what I had and I thought about the people in my life. One word popped into my head, the word “use”.

Now the revelation that comes next may be obvious to you as the reader but to me it was absolutely the most mind-blowing thought I have ever had. “use?” I said to myself. Me being the nerd that I am I had to find the pure definition of use. I started to read. Now the first definition speaks in regards of using something to accomplish a purpose or achieve a result. That was fine for me. I mean nothing interesting there. The second definition speaks in regards of a state of affairs that existed for a period in the past. That was simple enough. But the third was what hit me in the gonads. It was a low blow to the essence that was my soul. “The action of using something or the state of being used for some purpose.” I thought to myself, what an interesting definition.

My mind then began to apply it to my life. I looked at my recent failed relationship. The one that had lasted three years on and off due to infidelity. She would always call me her rock and would lean on me in her hard times but when things were good she would disappear. Yes, seems to apply there. I was being used for that one purpose. My feet started to tingle as they became warm. I then applied it to my friendship with my “mentor” who constantly asks me for favors of which I always say yes. Because that’s what a perfect friend does. Yes, seems to apply there as well. I was being used for that purpose. The warmth started to flow upwards towards my stomach.

I started to apply it to work where I would manage two areas at the same time which was twice my paid workload. The warmth came up to my neck. Then I had one final realization. I looked in the mirror and I said to myself  “But wait…I’m everybody’s bitch.” This final realization sent my mind into a deep spiral where in an instant I went over every single time I’ve ever been used in my life. It got to the point where I became so enraged that I blacked out.

 

The Hospital

I woke up in the hospital restrained to a gurney. The first thing that came to my mind was that “I’m hungry”. As I was being pushed along the hallway I saw another patient standing there eating crackers. She looked at me and smiled, then offered me some crackers. I couldn’t speak because my mouth was too dry but I nodded. She laughed and said, “Crackers aren’t for you!” then walked away. When they finally took off the restraints I noticed my wrists were chaffed from all the struggling I must have been doing. Instantly I could assess the situation. I was in the mental ward with all the crazies and I had a mental break. But for some reason I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t angry anymore. In fact, there was a deep sense of knowing. Knowing that everything would be alright.

The doctor diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder.  Which to me was the dumbest thing I had ever heard. “I’m not crazy. I’m a man of above average intelligence who is successful in both his work life and personal life. How can I be crazy?” Was all that came to my mind. I tried to explain away the situation with different logic and convince the doctor that I wasn’t bipolar. In any case he said I’d have to stay for a couple days for evaluation.

The interesting thing about being in the psych ward is that it’s filled with a melting pot of people. People from all avenues of life. I met a Triad member, a banker, and a musician to name a few. These people all had relatively normal lives until they were hit with this illness. But I wasn’t like them I told myself. In my mind, I knew there had to be a reason for all of this. There is no way that my story could end with me withering away into nothingness. That’s when “the universe” started to happen.

The Universe

Now this part is where I know I will lose the attention of some people. Some will say ok this guy is crazy I’m out and that is fine. Even though I was on medication I was still being flooded with racing thoughts. But these thoughts were not the everyday run of the mill work, school, and relationship. I started to think about the great questions of the universe. I started to ponder how energy and consciousness are linked, how the brain is more than just a computer but it also acts as a transmitter receiving frequency and vibration in the form of thought, etc. Now this is where you’re probably saying ok, this guy is one of those new age guys. I’m out. If that’s how you feel that is fine too.

I continued to get numerous thoughts and revelations. It was as if a deep inner knowing had been gifted to me and my brain had to reboot to handle it. I was being flooded with information and it felt amazing. To this day it was the most exhilarating feeling I have ever felt. There is numerous documentation on a manic episode but very little on what goes on in the mind of someone during a manic episode. It was as if my body would move on its own while my mind received the information. I was simply a witness to it all. But above all it felt as if I was connected to something greater than myself. Keep in mind I was under medication at the time.

Spirituality

I don’t remember when the information started to slow down but it did. For a period, I was sad about it. Once again there is numerous amount of information on the depression associated with bipolar mania but not what actually goes on in the mind of the patient. I mean having felt connected to something greater than yourself. Something greater than man is quite a big shoe to fill. But by the grace of the gods it happened. Throughout my journey I have experienced and witnessed things that have made me believe in a higher power unequivocally.

It started with something as simple as receiving information about something then looking it up online to find out that it is a well-known fact. This would happen for months at a time. One night I was in the bathroom stall at a banquet when the person in the stall next to mine started to make strange sounds as if he was beat boxing. I promptly finished my business and went to wash my hands. He started to bang on the walls of the stall and began screeching in a high pitch tone. Now I wasn’t going to be a pussy and rush out of the bathroom without washing my hands. But I knew I didn’t want to be alone. For the first time in my life I prayed.

As I looked in the mirror. I said “Lord…please don’t leave me alone with this…” and I kid you not that bathroom door opened and five people came in. It looked fake, as if it was a scene out of a badly shot movie. I was in awe that my prayer had been answered. Every ounce of doubt that I had washed away.

What Changed

My entire outlook on life changed. I realized that life is all about perspective and slowly my perspective changed to a more positive one. I had to relearn how to feel genuine emotions. I had to learn how to deal with my issues, not cast them aside and ignore them. I learned to set boundaries for myself and those that I let in my circle. I realized that I had been using women as an outlet for my inner demons and that had to stop. But above all I learned to believe in something greater than myself. I understood how someone could have faith in something that they “can’t see”.

What’s my life purpose you ask?  I believe I know what it is but I won’t know for sure until the time comes. If you want to find out subscribe and join me on this journey of mine. I hope you enjoyed reading. If you made it this far I’d like to leave you with a quote from one of the characters from my novel.

“Those who bathe in shadows are destined to drown in them”

–          Din Tei Bourbon