Now I’m going to start this post off with a disclaimer because this topic can be triggering for some people. This post is not an outlet for me to brag about my many sexual exploits nor is it designed to denigrate the struggles of someone who isn’t sexually experienced, can’t get a date, or has low self-esteem. This post is for those who have entered the volcanic grove that is dating in 2017, and are wondering if there is a better way. In this topic we will journey into the land of dating, and will look at another option that is often left off the table. This option is known as celibacy or in clearer terms abstaining from dating and sex.
I can honestly admit that at one point in time I was a borderline sex addict. I say borderline because I could control my appetites…when I felt like it. It just so happened that I rarely felt like it. Being an above average male with mentors who were players made it fairly easy for me to learn how to attract, entertain, and bed a woman. But above all, I understood women and used that to my advantage. As a former friend of mine once said. “Once you control the mind, you control the legs.” But there are a few things that happen when you sleep with multiple partners and have multiple short-term relationships. Truth be told each time I had a meaningless encounter it was like I gave a piece of my soul to that person. One day after another meaningless encounter it hit me. That a lot of these women see me as a piece of meat, just to be used for their satisfaction and done with. It stopped being fun and I saw things for the hollow experience that it really was. They were using me the same way I was using them. This was a vicious cycle that I knew had to be broken. In any case I decided to take a vow of celibacy for a year. It was easily the greatest and most productive year of my life, because of that I have decided to extend that year to four years. Here are five things a temporary vow of celibacy can teach you.
- You Learn to Love – There is no easy way to say this. When you stop dating and focusing on loving someone else you learn the true definition of love. This is a concept that is difficult for most to wrap their heads around. There are two types of unconditional love. The love for a parent to a child and the love for yourself. The next type of love that most are looking for is a romantic kind of love. This love is not inherently unconditional, it is the type of love designed to fill a void. Think about it logically for a second. In order for you to get to the point of loving someone they had to be the type of person you could fall in love with. They had to share your goals, dreams, make you laugh, say the right things, or look the right way. These are just some of the conditions that had to be met before you felt that deep connection. When you choose the path of celibacy you realize that the love in its purest form comes from within. As cliché as it sounds one must love themselves unconditionally before they step back into the dating arena. That is if you want to reach your highest good.
- You Have More Time – This one is self-explanatory. When you stop dating, you have more time to spend on other more productive things. A large portion of the “dating game” is wasted time. The wasted time getting dressed for dinner, the wasted time hoping they are the one, the failed attempts at conversation. There is a lot of time wasting in between the glorious moments. Don’t get me wrong there are a lot of glorious moments when you strike is rich, but it often takes countless hours to get to that point. When you stop dating you can focus on things such as your career, learning a new language, and taking that vacation you always wanted. But above all, you get to spend time on your passion. Words cannot convey how great it feels to know what your passion is and to work on it. If you don’t know what your passion is that is fine too. Now you have the time to find out.
- It’s Not That Hard – When I first decided to become celibate I had to ask myself a very important question. How the hell am I going to pull this one off? The first few months were ridiculously challenging. But as things progress you become stronger mentally and emotionally. This leads to the revelation that anything is possible. If you can go months, even years without sex by choice then you can accomplish anything you put your mind too. This is part of the reason why so many spiritual gurus promote abstinence and celibacy. It provides you with mental strength.
- Mental Clarity – All that mental strength you gained turns into something much more profound. It becomes mental clarity. You start seeing the things that really matter in life. It is almost as if a switch flips in your brain. This is the type of mental clarity that comes with meditation and self-reflection. You start to learn more about your family and friends, while ultimately learning more about yourself. This clarity is further augmented by the connection with nature. It becomes easier for you to connect with nature once you’ve opened yourself up to that possibility. I’m not going to go into detail about the profound love nature can give you, that is something you must feel for yourself.
- Your One Will Wait – Right now your “one” is probably dating someone that is causing them inner turmoil. The time you spend developing yourself is something that your future life partner will appreciate. The amazing thing about life is that people pop into your life when you ready for them. They are either a blessing or a lesson. This means you don’t need to rush into something meaningless for the wrong reasons.
For some people a life of meaningless encounters can be one of the most exhilarating lifestyles imaginable. But for most it only ends up being a hollow experience that drastically shifts your mindset. To this day I still have skewed expectations from a partner. In the meantime, I’m going to continue my path of celibacy and self-love. For it is one that provides countless benefits and very few cons. A question we should all ask ourselves in this dating world is whether we are dating to fill a void or dating to augment our lives. But the big question is a very simple one. Who do you want to be a year from now?
“There are many types of kisses. A kiss to the lips, a kiss to the heart, and a kiss to the soul. The third brings about a love that transcends time.” – Negus Lamont